Blessing Day

Juliet was blessed on May 1st by her daddy. It was such a great day surrounded by family and friends. After the blessing we headed back to the apartment for some muffins and yogurt. The best part was the cake that Auntie T made. Not only was it beautiful, but it was delicious! (I may or may not have had 3 pieces that day....) I loved having all of our family around! Juliet also got to meet her Great Grandma B. I loved introducing them! All in all, it was a great time.

Juliet meeting GGB. Soooo happy!

The best shot of her blessing dress (from Grandma W)

Forever family!!

Grandpa and Grandma W flew in for 24 for the occasion. So grateful. Love spending time with them.

GGB and Juliet. I love this!

Grandpa R and Grandma L

4 Generations 

The Vs! We love them!

Juliet's family

The scrumptious cake!!!!

My sweet baby girl.

What a blessing it is to have the gospel of Jesus Christ and a righteous Priesthood holder in my life. I am so grateful for the life Heavenly Father has blessed me with. Happiness!!

Mother's Day

As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself reflecting on the process it took for me to become a mother. And as I share my feelings, I don't share them to get sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me. I simply wish to express what is on my mind.
October 3, 2014 we lost our first baby due to their heart not being formed. It was our first pregnancy. Our world was shattered. I cried and cried and cried. How could this be happening to me? I thought I had done everything right and now was being punished somehow. Was it my fault? Was there something I could have done differently? No. The truth of the matter is 1 in every 5 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. But not me - these kinds of things don't happen to me. I'll never forget how I felt when that baby left my body. I felt like a part of me was lost. I went into shock. My husband helped me to the bed and let me cry. It was heartbreaking. Would I ever have a baby to hold? I felt like I was already a mother, but to the world I wasn't. When people would ask, "Do you have any kids?" What do I say? I felt like a mother, but I didn't have a child to physically hold in my arms.
As the weeks passed it got a little easier. I would think about the miscarriage less and less every day. Though that baby never really left my mind. My doctor said I would get my regular period back in about 6 weeks and then we could start trying again. Well... The week before Thanksgiving (about 6 weeks later) we were pregnant again. We were both too nervous to be excited. Then I started bleeding. I knew exactly what was happening. How could this be happening to me AGAIN? We just went through this. What am I doing wrong? So on Thanksgiving week I went through another miscarriage. Two in a row. We didn't want to try for a while. We were too nervous.
The pain lessened as time went on, but tears would still come occasionally. I went back to school and thought maybe I was meant to finish my Masters before a baby came along. Mother's Day that year was awful. I should have had a baby in my arms at that point. Everyone kept saying to me, "You'll have your turn soon enough!" or "You're not a mom yet!". They meant well. But my heart broke more and more each time those words left their mouths. One woman at church came up to me that day and said, "Happy Mothers Day, Kimmee" and patted my arm. My heart swelled with joy. How did she know? I will always remember her and love her for that small act of love and kindness.
I was 2 months into my Masters program when we found out we were expecting. We were terrified. Sad to say we weren't very excited. My Dr. wanted to meet with us and do an early ultrasound because I was considered "high risk". We went in at 8 weeks and got an ultrasound. The baby had a beating heart!!!! Our nerves went down! Thank you Heavenly Father for this blessing.
At 10 weeks I started bleeding again. You. Have. To. Be. Kidding. Me. At this point I was so confused and angry and heartbroken. I vowed to never try again. If this is what each pregnancy was going to be like.... then no thank you. We called the Dr. and he brought us in for an emergency ultrasound. The baby was perfect! The placenta was forming, the umbilical cord was visible! All good things! So why was I bleeding? Turns out I am O- blood type and therefor need a shot to keep my body from attacking my sweet baby. I was given the shot and many prayers of thanks were said. We kept faithful and vigilant (more so my husband than I - I have anxiety.. It is hard) until the end of the first trimester. We made it!! I felt so much peace!
Needless to say, everything turned out amazing and we have our beautiful Juliet! Hence why I do not want any sympathy. We have been so blessed amidst our trials. We couldn't be more grateful to have this sweet, tiny baby in our family. I am so excited to celebrate Mother's day with her.
People have been telling me - "This is your first Mothers Day" and while that is true in some regard - it is my first Mothers Day with a baby to physically hold in my arms - it is not my first Mothers Day. I became a mother the moment that baby began to form in my tummy, and while I will be covering Juliet in hugs and kisses - like I do everyday - there will be a place in my heart reserved for the thoughts and memories of the two babies we lost. So this Mothers Day, wish every woman you see a "Happy Mothers Day" because you never know the battles they have faced.
I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father that He has blessed our family with little Juliet. She is the most bright and happy baby around. I couldn't have chosen a better daughter myself. I am so in love with her and am so blessed to spend all of my time with her. I am grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and that he knows the exact pain that I felt as I went through the hardest losses I have ever faced. I am grateful for the most wonderful, sweet, spiritual, loving husband who stands by me each and every day as my best friend and eternal companion. Life is hard, but it is so worth it. Jacob and I grew so much closer through these trials and having a baby meant more to us than it had before. Heavenly Father has a plan and we need to trust Him.

Easter Weekend

My parents and brother came for a visit over Easter weekend! Juliet had grown a lot since my parents had last come when she was first born! This was B's first time meeting her and I was so excited to introduce them. We met at a restaurant and B walked in and said, "Hey guys! Baby Juliet, she's so cute!" and then through the meal he would ask to see her (she was in her car seat) and even wanted to carry her out to the car. Such a sweetheart! We had fun watching the Warriors play, taking a tubby in the jetted tub, going down to the city and spending as much time together as possible!

Juliet loves to take baths and so she and I (in my swim suit) took a little dip in the jetted tub at my parent's hotel. She loved it! 

Uncle B holding "Baby niece" for the first time. Heart melted!

Can you resist those chubby cheeks? I can't!!

Despite the look on her face, Juliet truly does love this dress that Grandpa R picked out for her! It is so adorable and very springy!

Daddy and Juliet on Easter. Too funny not to post!

Her Easter Lamb!

First Easter basket

Golden Gate Bridge

My sweet little family!

View of the bridge

Lombard Street

Naps with Grandpa R

Naps with mommy

Uncle B, Grandma L, and Grandpa R at the Oakland temple

Las Vegas

Juliet and I flew down to Vegas to spend time with our family there! It was her first airplane ride and she did wonderfully! She is such a good little travel buddy! I can't complain! We spent so much time with cousins and enjoyed every second of it. We also ate at our favorite pizza place (sorry Jake!) called Metro! My tummy is growling thinking about it! It is a must every time we go to Vegas. Juliet will learn! Sure do love our family!

Cousin L taking a nap on my lap! I was dying at his cuteness! 

Cousin B holding Juliet in her swaddle (Burrito Baby)

Big cousin B - the oldest of the cousins and such a good helper with the babies! Love her so much!

Grandma and Grandpa W. Juliet does love them we just took the bottle out of her mouth so we could snap a picture before Grandpa left for the night.

Twinsies! Juliet and her cousin E are two months apart! So fun! Can you see the family resemblance?

Auntie T

Little Juliet got a visit from her Auntie T and we had so much fun! We watched movies, ate yummy food, went up to the Temple grounds, played games, went shopping, and just enjoyed all the girl time! Nothing better! Here are a few pictures!

All dressed up to meet Auntie T!

First of MANY snuggles!!

New outfit from Auntie T, OBSESSED!

First temple trip!

Juliet - 1.30.2016

I suppose it is time to introduce our newest arrival!! Sweet little Juliet was born on January 30th at 9:38pm and we couldn't be more thrilled to have her here! She weighed 6 lbs 7 oz and was 20.5 inches long. Basically the most perfect baby there ever was! She loves to eat, can belch with the best of them, and always has to have her hands on her face - which is actually something that I do as well.... it is strange the traits your children pick up from you. Jake and I have a daughter now! Sometimes we just look at each other in bewilderment and say, "We have a daughter.... and when someone asks us if we have kids we can actually say yes....". It is a weird feeling, but it is beautiful.

My water broke at home at 5:30 in the morning and we were admitted to the hospital at 7:30 that morning and stayed there for the long haul. The labor went pretty smoothly and there were no complications with the delivery. My mom was able to switch her flights around and made it in time to see Juliet be born. It was really amazing and we feel so blessed! 

With all that being said, having a baby is no joke. Being a mom is no joke. It is so hard. The emotional toll it takes was not something I was really prepared for. One moment that baby is safe and secure inside of you and the next they are out and you are responsible to take care of them FOREVER. It is heavy. In the hospital you feel more secure because you are surrounded by medical personnel who can answer any and all questions you have and can help you when you can't figure out why your baby is crying. 

Then you come home.

You have to adjust to having this new person in your life. You love them and are excited they are there but you are exhausted and so tired that you can't even remember who you are anymore. And the baby needs you. It is challenging. Thankfully there are people who help. My mom, dad, and husband were so supportive and helped me through my emotional first week. Then my parents left and my sister in law stepped in and helped me through the next week. How blessed I am to have such a wonderful husband, family, and friends to support me.

One of the most wonderful things about being a parent is the closeness of Heavenly Father that I can feel. He is right beside us helping us to raise this baby. Juliet is his daughter first and He loves her just like He loves Jacob and I and He wants us all to succeed. He has given us answers to prayers and brought thoughts into our minds on a regular basis. It is so amazing.

My other favorite thing about parenthood is being able to laugh at the funny and stressful things. For example, you just changed her diaper and then she pees all over the new one so you change that and then she pees all over herself OR she poops on the carpet OR she punches herself in the eye and starts to cry OR she makes funny faces in her sleep OR you finally get her down for a nap and then you knock into her bassinet and she wakes up. I could honestly go on and on. But being able to laugh at these blunders helps to keep the positivity going.

It is also ok to cry. Get it out and talk about how you are feeling. It is healthy to do that. Take time for yourself each day so you can feel like yourself and not just "mom". It really helps. I have gone out a few times to run quick errands and left Juliet with Jake and I drive with the windows down and turn my music up loud and sing. It is very therapeutic for me. I also do crossword puzzles each day to just take some time for myself. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. This is a hard but wonderful thing. Savor every moment because times goes by so fast!

Jacob and I are so grateful to have Juliet in our lives. She makes us so happy! We can't wait to watch her grow up and see the strong spirited girl she becomes!

Anxiety

I am going to get more personal on this blog post. I always want to be eloquent, but that doesn't ever happen. What winds up happening is that I blabber on and don't makes sense.... So bare with me as I struggle through this!

I don't recall sharing on this blog before that I have GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It is something I have had to deal with my entire life, and with medication it can be very manageable. Although the medication helps me to manage my anxiety it doesn't take it away. I still worry, I still have panic attacks, and I still obsess over SILLY things - things that I can't control. When I am having anxiety I can't just stop worrying about whatever is on my mind. It is a process. I usually cry and have to talk about it. It is extremely draining on me. Now imagine you were married to me and had to live with a wife you worries about superfluous things all the time and can't let anything go. It is just as exhausting if not more so because as a caregiver you are the rock and the support. You have to remain calm and not lose your temper - which is extremely difficult when you are unable to reason with the person and you have been at it for an a hour or more.

Luckily for me I was blessed by my Heavenly Father with Jake. He is the most patient and kind man. When I am having anxiety he stops whatever he is doing and talks me through it - no matter how long it takes or what he has going on. I can't tell you how many times I have pulled him out of classes at church to go outside and talk for 20 or 30 minutes because of something I said to "so and so" last night and they didn't say hi to me at church and so now they must hate me. He never belittles me or my thoughts. He validates me and calms me down. He always knows the perfect thing to say.

As we get closer and closer to the baby arriving (12 days away!) My anxiety has gotten worse and we spend more time rehashing the same scenarios over and over and over.....and over. I know that I am being ridiculous but I can't stop and I have to talk about it or I can't calm down. Jake lets me get out all my worries and then he talks to me about each one and helps me set up a plan to overcome my fear. If we have already created a plan then he just sweetly reminds me of what we already decided. He holds me and lets me cry. He is so patient. It is such a blessing to have someone like him by my side for eternity.
As I was driving home from work today an old song came on that I love and as I began to listen closely to the lyrics I was amazed at how they fit into my anxious life. The song is "better than I know myself" by Adam Lambert. Here is a link to the song if you want to hear it:
                           https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNgSe8ww1cU

I wanted to break down the lyrics though and explain how they pertain to Jake and I personally.

Cold as ice

And more bitter than a December

Winter night

That's how I treated you

And I know that I

I sometimes tend to loose my temper

And I cross the line

Yeah that's the truth

(When I am in my anxiety I am not very nice and I can say extremely hurtful things. I am not proud of it, but it is something I am trying to overcome.)

I know it gets hard sometimes

But I could never

Leave your side

No matter what I say

(When Jake and I were first married and I was having anxiety I would 

feel so badly that Jake had to deal with me and I knew he deserved better and I would tell him to get a new wife and to leave me. At first he was so hurt and upset that his brand new wife didn't want to be married to him anymore - but I was blinded by anxiety. As soon as I snapped out if I sobbed and begged him to never leave me and that I don't want him to get a new wife. 

That happened a couple of times. Jake eventually learned that I was just blowing smoke and waited for me to calm down and would gently tell me that he wasn't going anywhere and that nothing I could say would change that. This is really a problem for us anymore)

'Cause if I wanted to go

I would've gone by now but

I really need you near me

To keep my mind off the edge

(This line hit me really hard. It is stated perfectly - I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge. My mind is my worst enemy and Jake has been blessed with the gift of helping back off from the edge.)

If I wanted to leave

I would've left by now

But you're the only one that knows me

Better than I know myself

All along

I tried to pretend it didn't matter

If I was alone

Deep down I know

If you were gone

For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn

'Cause I'm lost without you

(I know people say you should rely on someone else to make you happy or to depend on someone so much, but Jake is my other half. I would be lost without him. He completes me in a way that I didn't know existed and because anxiety is such an everyday part of my life it is incredible to me that I found someone so willing to put up with me and my neediness. Heavenly Father has truly blessed Jake with a gift.)

I know it gets hard sometimes

But I could never

Leave your side

No matter what I say

'Cause if I wanted to go

I would've gone by now

But I really need you near me

To keep my mind off the edge

If I wanted to leave

I would've left by now

But you're the only one that knows me

Better than I know myself

I get kind of dark

Let it go to far

I can be obnoxious at times

But try and see my heart

(I can get dark and things can go WAY to far, but one thing Jake always does is see my heart. He knows where I am coming from and patiently waits for me to realize that I am not a horrid person and that whatever I am worried about really isn't a big deal. He is amazing!)

'Cause I need you now

So don't let me down

You are the only thing in this world

I would die without

(This is cheesy but here goes - Jake has never let me down at anytime. He is amazing and I don't even want to think about a life without him.)

'Cause if I wanted to go

I would've gone by now but

I really need you near me

To keep my mind off the edge

If I wanted to leave

I would've left by now

But you're the only one that knows me

Better than I know myself

I have anxiety. It stinks, but it is my burden to carry in this life. Heavenly Father has blessed me with a spouse that helps to carry that burden. I am so grateful for Jake and his patience with me.