I don't recall sharing on this blog before that I have GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It is something I have had to deal with my entire life, and with medication it can be very manageable. Although the medication helps me to manage my anxiety it doesn't take it away. I still worry, I still have panic attacks, and I still obsess over SILLY things - things that I can't control. When I am having anxiety I can't just stop worrying about whatever is on my mind. It is a process. I usually cry and have to talk about it. It is extremely draining on me. Now imagine you were married to me and had to live with a wife you worries about superfluous things all the time and can't let anything go. It is just as exhausting if not more so because as a caregiver you are the rock and the support. You have to remain calm and not lose your temper - which is extremely difficult when you are unable to reason with the person and you have been at it for an a hour or more.
Luckily for me I was blessed by my Heavenly Father with Jake. He is the most patient and kind man. When I am having anxiety he stops whatever he is doing and talks me through it - no matter how long it takes or what he has going on. I can't tell you how many times I have pulled him out of classes at church to go outside and talk for 20 or 30 minutes because of something I said to "so and so" last night and they didn't say hi to me at church and so now they must hate me. He never belittles me or my thoughts. He validates me and calms me down. He always knows the perfect thing to say.
As we get closer and closer to the baby arriving (12 days away!) My anxiety has gotten worse and we spend more time rehashing the same scenarios over and over and over.....and over. I know that I am being ridiculous but I can't stop and I have to talk about it or I can't calm down. Jake lets me get out all my worries and then he talks to me about each one and helps me set up a plan to overcome my fear. If we have already created a plan then he just sweetly reminds me of what we already decided. He holds me and lets me cry. He is so patient. It is such a blessing to have someone like him by my side for eternity.
As I was driving home from work today an old song came on that I love and as I began to listen closely to the lyrics I was amazed at how they fit into my anxious life. The song is "better than I know myself" by Adam Lambert. Here is a link to the song if you want to hear it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNgSe8ww1cU
I wanted to break down the lyrics though and explain how they pertain to Jake and I personally.
Cold as ice
And more bitter than a December
Winter night
That's how I treated you
And I know that I
I sometimes tend to loose my temper
And I cross the line
Yeah that's the truth
(When I am in my anxiety I am not very nice and I can say extremely hurtful things. I am not proud of it, but it is something I am trying to overcome.)
I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say
(When Jake and I were first married and I was having anxiety I would
feel so badly that Jake had to deal with me and I knew he deserved better and I would tell him to get a new wife and to leave me. At first he was so hurt and upset that his brand new wife didn't want to be married to him anymore - but I was blinded by anxiety. As soon as I snapped out if I sobbed and begged him to never leave me and that I don't want him to get a new wife.
That happened a couple of times. Jake eventually learned that I was just blowing smoke and waited for me to calm down and would gently tell me that he wasn't going anywhere and that nothing I could say would change that. This is really a problem for us anymore)
'Cause if I wanted to go
I would've gone by now but
I really need you near me
To keep my mind off the edge
(This line hit me really hard. It is stated perfectly - I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge. My mind is my worst enemy and Jake has been blessed with the gift of helping back off from the edge.)
If I wanted to leave
I would've left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
All along
I tried to pretend it didn't matter
If I was alone
Deep down I know
If you were gone
For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn
'Cause I'm lost without you
(I know people say you should rely on someone else to make you happy or to depend on someone so much, but Jake is my other half. I would be lost without him. He completes me in a way that I didn't know existed and because anxiety is such an everyday part of my life it is incredible to me that I found someone so willing to put up with me and my neediness. Heavenly Father has truly blessed Jake with a gift.)
I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say
'Cause if I wanted to go
I would've gone by now
But I really need you near me
To keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave
I would've left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
I get kind of dark
Let it go to far
I can be obnoxious at times
But try and see my heart
(I can get dark and things can go WAY to far, but one thing Jake always does is see my heart. He knows where I am coming from and patiently waits for me to realize that I am not a horrid person and that whatever I am worried about really isn't a big deal. He is amazing!)
'Cause I need you now
So don't let me down
You are the only thing in this world
I would die without
(This is cheesy but here goes - Jake has never let me down at anytime. He is amazing and I don't even want to think about a life without him.)
'Cause if I wanted to go
I would've gone by now but
I really need you near me
To keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave
I would've left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself
I have anxiety. It stinks, but it is my burden to carry in this life. Heavenly Father has blessed me with a spouse that helps to carry that burden. I am so grateful for Jake and his patience with me.
