As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself reflecting on the process it took for me to become a mother. And as I share my feelings, I don't share them to get sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me. I simply wish to express what is on my mind.
October 3, 2014 we lost our first baby due to their heart not being formed. It was our first pregnancy. Our world was shattered. I cried and cried and cried. How could this be happening to me? I thought I had done everything right and now was being punished somehow. Was it my fault? Was there something I could have done differently? No. The truth of the matter is 1 in every 5 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. But not me - these kinds of things don't happen to me. I'll never forget how I felt when that baby left my body. I felt like a part of me was lost. I went into shock. My husband helped me to the bed and let me cry. It was heartbreaking. Would I ever have a baby to hold? I felt like I was already a mother, but to the world I wasn't. When people would ask, "Do you have any kids?" What do I say? I felt like a mother, but I didn't have a child to physically hold in my arms.
As the weeks passed it got a little easier. I would think about the miscarriage less and less every day. Though that baby never really left my mind. My doctor said I would get my regular period back in about 6 weeks and then we could start trying again. Well... The week before Thanksgiving (about 6 weeks later) we were pregnant again. We were both too nervous to be excited. Then I started bleeding. I knew exactly what was happening. How could this be happening to me AGAIN? We just went through this. What am I doing wrong? So on Thanksgiving week I went through another miscarriage. Two in a row. We didn't want to try for a while. We were too nervous.
The pain lessened as time went on, but tears would still come occasionally. I went back to school and thought maybe I was meant to finish my Masters before a baby came along. Mother's Day that year was awful. I should have had a baby in my arms at that point. Everyone kept saying to me, "You'll have your turn soon enough!" or "You're not a mom yet!". They meant well. But my heart broke more and more each time those words left their mouths. One woman at church came up to me that day and said, "Happy Mothers Day, Kimmee" and patted my arm. My heart swelled with joy. How did she know? I will always remember her and love her for that small act of love and kindness.
I was 2 months into my Masters program when we found out we were expecting. We were terrified. Sad to say we weren't very excited. My Dr. wanted to meet with us and do an early ultrasound because I was considered "high risk". We went in at 8 weeks and got an ultrasound. The baby had a beating heart!!!! Our nerves went down! Thank you Heavenly Father for this blessing.
At 10 weeks I started bleeding again. You. Have. To. Be. Kidding. Me. At this point I was so confused and angry and heartbroken. I vowed to never try again. If this is what each pregnancy was going to be like.... then no thank you. We called the Dr. and he brought us in for an emergency ultrasound. The baby was perfect! The placenta was forming, the umbilical cord was visible! All good things! So why was I bleeding? Turns out I am O- blood type and therefor need a shot to keep my body from attacking my sweet baby. I was given the shot and many prayers of thanks were said. We kept faithful and vigilant (more so my husband than I - I have anxiety.. It is hard) until the end of the first trimester. We made it!! I felt so much peace!
Needless to say, everything turned out amazing and we have our beautiful Juliet! Hence why I do not want any sympathy. We have been so blessed amidst our trials. We couldn't be more grateful to have this sweet, tiny baby in our family. I am so excited to celebrate Mother's day with her.
People have been telling me - "This is your first Mothers Day" and while that is true in some regard - it is my first Mothers Day with a baby to physically hold in my arms - it is not my first Mothers Day. I became a mother the moment that baby began to form in my tummy, and while I will be covering Juliet in hugs and kisses - like I do everyday - there will be a place in my heart reserved for the thoughts and memories of the two babies we lost. So this Mothers Day, wish every woman you see a "Happy Mothers Day" because you never know the battles they have faced.
I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father that He has blessed our family with little Juliet. She is the most bright and happy baby around. I couldn't have chosen a better daughter myself. I am so in love with her and am so blessed to spend all of my time with her. I am grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and that he knows the exact pain that I felt as I went through the hardest losses I have ever faced. I am grateful for the most wonderful, sweet, spiritual, loving husband who stands by me each and every day as my best friend and eternal companion. Life is hard, but it is so worth it. Jacob and I grew so much closer through these trials and having a baby meant more to us than it had before. Heavenly Father has a plan and we need to trust Him.
